why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
