God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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