nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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