sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
