woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He better not be in your backpack
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
