it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
