You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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