did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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