Where did you get a picture of my penis
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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