Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
