The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
