I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
