my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
