I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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