i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's blow job season.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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