We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
