We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
