I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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