i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
