Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
