you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
