True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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