one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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