i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
