Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
