I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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