Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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