in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
