she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
