like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
