im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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