I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
