Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
