I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
