I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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