I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
