Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
