Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
