The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
