mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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