take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
