how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
