the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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