I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
