i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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