I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
