Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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