you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
These tits shall not be calmed
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
