Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
