I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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