youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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