Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
