He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
