ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
